Obviously I caved and did a test on Sunday (9dp5dt) and Monday, neither with first morning urine, and they were both positive. On previous occasions, I’ve been elated or teary at a positive result, but this time I feel nothing but wariness and a grim determination. Observing the sticks, it was as if I was examining the results of a science experiment that was vaguely related to me but not on any emotional level. It’s a shame how this process can knock the joy out of these moments.
Looking back on the positive tests I’ve had over the last three years, I remember being tearily joyful and overwhelmed at my result during a business trip in March last year, before I lost the pregnancy at around five weeks. And equally emotional in my local shopping centre in October, only to have the rug pulled out from under me when the clinic said my result was negative (a chemical). This year, after my transfer in February, I was wary but pleased and then limped past the viability scan in March to an ERPC in April. And back in the innocent mists of time, on my very first IUI in October 2012, I actually got a very weak positive and didn’t even recognise it as such, as it was my first home pregnancy test ever (and my first chemical); I was so confident I’d be knocked up by my third IUI, I didn’t really mind.
I’ve been busy with work the last couple of days and hardly thinking about the result at all (relatively speaking), so much do I distrust it. This time around, there have been no sneaky glimpses at the positive tests to make sure it’s really true.
The bottom line is I probably shouldn’t have tested at home at all, or at the very least not until the morning of the blood test, so I only have myself to blame. Even if it’s a proper positive and a strong number tomorrow, I’m guessing they will want to do another blood test a few days later to make sure the trend is in the right direction. If that one is okay, there will be another torturous wait until the viability scan. And I’ve never got further than viability but I imagine after that there is no relaxing until the first 12 weeks are done. All you can do is take this one small step at a time as usual.
Please don’t send any congratulations – but all positive vibes over the interweb that this one sticks and is healthy are more than welcome :-)